Sabine’s Garden

Happy Friday! I decided that since so many of my readers email me directly instead of commenting (and I do try to reply to them all, but sometimes it is a bit much to keep up with) that I would cull out the common questions and answer them here instead of basically writing the same thing twenty or so times.

Note: I’m not going to answer the questions that I receive in hate mail, because (sshhhh) I don’t actually read it anymore. A month or twoish ago, because my attorney recommended it, I flagged the four or so people who send me mean or creepy emails (into a folder aptly named, “Batshit Crazy”) and those emails are automatically forwarded to my attorney and remain unopened by me. This has turned out to be wonderful, because I no longer have to deal with the crazy and because my attorney finds them ”really fucking funny, even better than the Sunday comics”, and adores them so much he’s going to buy me a year membership to the gun range for Christmas (he’s my shooting buddy), which I have been coveting. So keep it up hate-mailers/creepy obssessive dudes, because next year I’m hoping for the premium membership! By the way, your ass looks huge in those pants and also, I snuck into your house last night, ate all your twinkies and kicked your dog/cat/kid.

So without any further ado, here are my answers to common questions:

1. How’s Griffin? Well… He’s been doing great, especially since Ra came into the picture. He delights in playing with his little buddy and even hops around in an attempt to chase Ra. Unfortunately he’s been a little too good, between all the exercise and the fact that he’s learned how to open the gate across the foot of my bed (so he can crawl up on it and nap). The last few days have been the worst I’ve seen him in quite some time, the legs are horribly bowed and shaky. My challenge now is to slow him back down so the ligaments will quit tearing and re-heal. His skin is also awful with allergy issues, so he’s getting doused in hot spot treatment pretty much daily. But he is pretty happy, especially now that he has a companion when I’m gone. He still takes a lot of pain meds.
2. What are you doing for the holidays? For the first time in a long time, I’m taking some real vacation time - two whole weeks! I’m headed up to Oklahoma, hoping for nice weather so I can do some rockhounding and cave crawling on the way up (which I wanted to do last year, but the weather was mucho sucko), and then I’m going to spend 5 or 6 days with my family. My brother and sister and all of their family are going to come down to southeastern Oklahoma and visit me at my moms. After that I’ll head home, and finish the last bathroom rennovation myself (installing towel racks, toilet paper holder, shower curtain rods and painting some shelves).
3. How are the rennovations coming? See above, almost there. I only need the bathtub refinish guy to come back and re-caulk around the guest bathtub (which is harder than it sounds, the guy has stood me up twice already). The master bathroom is complete and is so gorgeous I pretty much just want to hang out in the bathtub or shower all day. I don’t, because that would be a huge waste of water and I’d look like a raisin, but I could.
4. With oil and gas prices falling, are you going to lose your job? Nope, it doesn’t look like it. We let the rig go for a few months hoping that pipe costs will go down, but we are doing fine and still making money. We only drill on a cash basis, so unlike a lot of small operators that work on credit, we’ll be fine. They are even bringing in a dear friend of mine who’s a renowned oil and gas geologist to consult for a few months and give me some mentoring. That being said, I am saving a lot more money just in case the economy completely tanks.
5. How do you feel about Obama being elected? Well, I didn’t vote for him.. but I am an American, I believe in the Democratic process, and since he was elected fair and square, I’ll stand behind him and give him a fair shot. I hope he suceeds in getting us back on track. (But I still would rather have Ron Paul than anyone who made it on the ticket, being a Libertarian and a Constitutionalist.
6. How’s your love life? Ehhh, that’s always a sticky question for me. I’ve been single for the last 6 months by choice, and recently I’ve thought about sticking my toes back in the water.
7. What else is new? I’m planning on becoming a volunteer firefighter, and I’m stoked about that. I plan to try out in the spring, so that I have some time to get to that level of fitness as the physical requirements of the test are quite steep. That also get’s the performance season of my dance troupe out of the way.
8. How’s the no smoking thing going? Well, I fell of the wagon a few months back. I made it almost nine months, so I know I can do it. I’m quitting again on the 1st of January.
9. How’s the depression thing going? I feel great actually. I’ve done a lot of things in my life to reduce stress, and am putting more effort into exercising and spending quality time doing the things I love. I am still taking St. John’s Wort every day, which seems to really help me. Mostly I find that exercising consistently makes me feel great. Kickboxing especially has become a passion, no matter how stressful my day, beating the shit out of imaginary bad guys lifts my spirits. Another thing I’ve found that works great for me is to start my day with a gratitude list - that is, I sit down and write out or mentally list all of blessings in my life. That really helps me start my day with good energy which remains with me throughout the day.

I think I pretty much covered the major points there, so hopefully you are informed and still awake. Thanks for continuing to read, and for your support and friendship. Feel free to add questions in the comments section or answer #2, #5, #6 and #7 yourself!

I had a great, thoughtful, insightful post for you this morning, but I managed to blow Wordpress up. Hi Monday!

I actually managed to blow a lot of shit up today without even really trying. You see, something interesting has been happening as of late. The passive-aggressiveness that used to haunt me (think sticky-sweet sugar coated unicorns and rainbows leading up to a giant KABOOM)? Gone…. I no longer have the patience for walking on eggshells, or pretending anything. It takes too much energy. Nope, instead I just say what I think these days. So with this I’ve been making some waves. Rockin’ the proverbial boat. Pissin’ in  peoples cheerios with my mere existence and self-expression. The filter between my brain and my mouth/fingers? No mas. Honestly? It feels wonderful. And while just being me and saying what I think feels GREAT (like a heavy weight lifted), it REALLY isn’t going over well with certain people (maybe you are one of those people reading, but I assure you, you aren’t alone! Isn’t that comforting?). I’m embracing this mostly kind, but sometimes bitchy, straight from the hip me. I love her, she’s so much fun. Instead of taking me into uncomfortable places and making me smile and make small talk with people I have nothing in common with, she takes me dancing in the rain, playing in mud puddles, or to try out that sexy little .380 S&W Chief’s Special Airweight at the range (which is going to be my Christmas present from mom, awww mom). She cackles a lot, and wiggles her eyebrows often.

She’s exposed the true friends, and weeded out the not so true friends.

A year ago I would be positively horrified that anyone would be upset with me. I would be beside myself, in garment-rending agony that I lost someone’s approval. But these days? Wow.. I just feel fabulous that I was true to myself, and actually true to them instead of pretending that everything was ok while I inwardly resented them more and more and secretely hoped they would get attacked by circus midgets or cheese-whiz weilding ninjas. For the first time in my entire 33 years on this planet, there are a handful of people who really don’t like me that the moment, and I am ok with that. I feel so free of any need to try and be anyone that I am not. I don’t have to obsessively explain myself or try to work things out, because I don’t feel that I need to resolve anything, or even the need to be right. My philosophy nowadays is more like, if I’m pleasing 100% of the people 100% of the time, I’m doing it wrong. It’s liberating to feel this way. It brings me a great sense of peace.

At first it was outside my comfort zone, but now it feels like going with the flow… Allowing life to unfold the way it does, and being able to observe and not be so attached to outcome. I think I like it. *Waggles her eyebrows at you*

So, are you winning any popularity contests these days?

Well, I’m sorry that it took me being pelted with jellybeans (although, yum!) to finally post… and possibly a little guilt, but here I am. That’s what counts, right?

I’m glad to say that this break hasn’t been due to hiding in the cave… I’ve been out living life. I’ve been spending far less time at the computer and more time with the people that I love, and doing the things that I really enjoy. I feel quite content, and more myself than I have in a long time.

Two Fridays ago my dear Ayedoneaux called me and invited me to join her and her “Captain” for dinner at one of my favorite places near my house. They have excellent burgers, good Mexican beer, and a giant deck situated on the Laguna Madre. After good food and much giggling, they “kidnapped” me… We took a 22 ft Boston Whaler offshore into the Gulf of Mexico under the full moon. There were some fairly tall seas that night, but our captain that night, he is the best. Aye and I sat on the bow outside the rail and dangled our feet, looking for phosphorescence. We giggled a lot, we held hands, we celebrated life. We circled one of the offshore rigs, just to be awed over it’s might. The stars were unbelievable out there. After we headed into the slip that night, Aye and I took off barefoot walking to the beach, playing in puddles as we went, giggling of course. We watched the giant Blue Northern blow in. At that point it started raining and the temperature dropped dramatically, so we meandered back to the condo.

That night, I remembered me. Who I used to be. Before I got all settled, and domesticated (I asked my mother last night, “do you think the picket fence has affected me?”). And I embraced that wild woman… that woman who wasn’t afraid of anything and lives life with arms wide open. I remembered that fear and faith cannot walk hand in hand. Thanks to a gentle reminder from Aye, I remembered that I all I need to do is to stay connected to my source, and that everything else follows.

Since that night? I feel as if I have awoken from a long, fuzzy dream. There have been beach walks, formal shin-digs, dancing in the rain in my backyard, a lot of star-gazing, awesome new friends, ALOT of gratitude, and an obscene amount of giggling. I plugged myself back in that night, and I’ve been buzzing ever since. My work has new life and new excitement, and great things are happening in my relationships. Speaking of which, my dear friend of the last 17 years, TigerLily, and her 2.5 year old daughter (my god daughter) moved to town a few weeks ago also, so that’s just been WONDERFUL. I have troupe performances coming up, lots of projects around the house, and well, an idea for a novel (shhhh).

So, wow…. ya’ll. Life is really good. This was one of the best Thanksgiving’s I have ever had… because I have so very much to be grateful for. And I am grateful for all of you too. Thanks for hanging around, putting up with my little rollercoaster over the years, and lobbing jellybeans at me when I nod off. Besos.

Thanks to Ole Blue for reminding me that I do in fact, have a blog. Yeah, I know. I fall off the face of the earth. I do it in my day-to-day life too. I’m embarassed to tell that there are 7(!!!) messages on my cell that I haven’t listened to, about as many people that I really need to return calls to, 9(!!!) messages that are sitting on my work voicemail, some which have been there for months. And lots of dear friends that I haven’t spent time with in awhile.

I can’t explain why I do this, because I am not sure I understand it myself. It has cost me (many) friends, except for the precious, patient few who understand me and don’t take it personally when I am in my “hermit mode”. Those people give me so much room, take it where we left off and give me a giant hug when I do finally emerge from the cocoon. As best I understand it, I go through periods of mild depression (runs in the family), and since I tend to be the type who doesn’t like to bring people down, trys to handle everything myself, and also who believes that acting a certain way helps you actually feel that way, I crawl into my shell and only come out for what is absolutely neccessary… (Except for Tango Tea Room Fridays, interestingly enough - but I think that is because there is such an unconditionally accepting attitude, and a lack of expectation from that group.) I put on a happy face at work, concentrate every single shred of energy that I have at staying positive and grateful - and well, I just kind of shut everyone out during those periods. I don’t answer the phone, or emails, unless it’s mom (because if she doesn’t hear from me within two days she bombards me with messages and emails threatening to call in the Texas Rangers - True Story.) During those times I take Saint John’s Wart and Kava Kava, I take lots of hot baths, I hole up with the critters and watch movies and read books, and I write in my journal a lot… I get out of work, come home, and immediately put on my pjs and go sit out in the screened in patio. Maybe it isn’t the best way to deal with the world, I don’t know. I’m doing the best that I can, but I admit that I have a lot of guilt over how it affects other people who try to get close to me. Lately as I have met really cool people that I’d like to know better, I just put the wall up right from the start, to avoid the inevitable hurt and angry emails and phone calls. Again, not the best way to deal with it. But I don’t know any other way…

And then a few days, or a week later, I wake up smiling. I don’t have to work at being happy anymore, I’m a font of energy and happiness. I become a social butterfly, and just can’t get enough of my loved ones. I meet new people, and just outright adopt them… I want to know everything about them. The world is so beautiful.

I have noticed that these cycles fall right in with my natural ummm (gebus, it’s hard to say stuff like this when so many of my readers are guys), womanly times. So it’s definately hormonal. The few people that are very close to me and know that this happens keep encouraging me to go get tested and prescribed bioidentical hormones. But ye gawds, I hate going to doctors and I hate taking meds for anything. I know, stupid right? If it will make me feel better and have a normal social life?

I have to say that through the times when the moon is a sliver and I’m in my cave, Ra and Griffin are my brightest lights. Lordy I have come to love that bratty little kitten. He is so sweet (sometimes, when he isn’t acting like a cracked out monkey), and so in-tune with my feelings. He knows exactly when I need a warm, purring kitten curled up on me. He doesn’t leave my side when I am in that place. And Griffin? Well he has always known and understood my moods. Bless his heart, he’s become so cranky in his older years, especially when he is hurting… but he is still my sweet, giant beast. No matter how I feel, no matter whether or not I want to go build a fort under the covers, he’s down with the plan. When I am less than my sparkly self, I can’t even close the bathroom door without him literally knocking it open and sprawling just outside the tub. And Ra spends my entire bath laying by my head, reaching over periodically to stroke my face with his tiny paw. They are my Furry Compassion Squad, my comedic relief, and the reason that no matter how whacked out my hormones are, I have to get up and function.. Especially Griffin with all the meds, I have to stay on top of it. And that actually helps me, to have to take care of someone else. Sometimes I need to be depended on.

Well, I have to admit this is one of the most difficult entries I’ve ever posted. I don’t like to show that side of myself… but driving down along the bay this morning with the sun rising over it, it occured to me that maybe that was exactly what I need to do. Bring it out into the light so that shadows run away. Maybe by bringing it out into the light, I can see and understand it better myself. I can explore it, instead of cringing… Map the terrain, explore the textures and colors, just.. sit with it for awhile.

I do know one thing.. I feel good today. Strong, optimistic. The sun is shining over the sparkling water, it’s Friday, and I’ll get to see my good friends at Tango tonight. And I’ll hug them tightly, without pulling back one bit.

Hi ya’ll. It feels like forever since I’ve written, but I guess it hasn’t really been that long. I don’t have any riveting news for you, although I do have a somewhat funny (in retrospect) story to share.

So last week, it was a rush to get ready for mom. She was to arrive at around 3:30 Friday afternoon, and the house was a-buzz with contractors rushing to get done and out the door. The bathroom rennovation was being pushed through so they could make room for the company that refinishes bathtubs… and they barely made it, finishing the room just in time for the man who arrived to do the tub. Except, well, we heard something. I walked around the house puzzled by what was clearly the sound of running water. I asked the tub guy, as he was taping off the project, “do you hear that“? After much ear-to-wall pressing and debating, we decided that in fact, there was water running, and it sounded like it was behind the tub. I didn’t panic, knowing that the adjoining spare bedroom has a conveniently placed closet with an entry panel. I called the plumbing company down the road. Shortly thereafter, two plumbers arrived in their big ole’ truck and knocked on the door. They then began what became an exhaustive search for the water. A great deal more “ear pressing” ensued. They crawled around under the house, carefully inspecting all of the pipes under the bathrooms. Finally, the one I (in my head) called Mr. Flirty McHandsome said, “maam, I am sorry to say, I think it is behind the new toilet… and I will need to cut a HOLE in your dining room wall”. Well, with thoughts of wet sheetrock haunting my already frazzled brain, I said, “go ahead”. And I cringed as he sawed a 1.5′ high, 6″ wide rectangular hole near the floor… I closed my eyes tight in anticipation… and then he sighed… “Not the source”, he whispered in frustration. I was kind of, well, freaking out a little at that point. Not outwardly, but inwardly certainly. The man that was there to refinish the tub didn’t want to get rolling on it because he was afraid the plumbers were going to be in his way, so he left with the promise to come back the following week. The plumbers went back under the house… About this time, the giant land yacht that is my mother’s Towncar pulled into the drive, and suddenly I felt myself relaxing into the situation a little, such is the great and mighty power of my mother’s presence. She swept in, in her motherly take-charge way… clucking, shushing and hugging and saying, “it’s fine, no worries, we can handle it”… Mr. Flirty McHandsome walked in the back door after a bit, with a strange mix of pleasure and pain on his face, and said,

“We found the source of the noise maam. Apparently, your contractors left the hose on out front“.

And I died, the end. No! I freaked out a little, got all fired up, and as I went to pick up the phone to call the contractors, the plumbers shrieked, “NOOOO, let us leave first, we fear your wrath” or something like that (ok, they didn’t shreak, they said it sarcastically and with a smile, but they handed me a very reasonable, discounted bill and scattered quickly, either out of mercy or fear).

But they did leave. And I did not call the contractor (still haven’t, not sure how I will handle it). I proceeded to have a wonderful weekend with my mother, with the exception of coming down with a cold. The bathtub was primed last night and will be finished tonight. I am considering painting a tiny door on the piece of sheetrock that is plugging the hole.. you know, for the gmones that steal all my left socks and earrings.

In other news (completely unrelated, so pretend there was some kind of smooth transition there), Griffin and Ra have become the best of friends over time. Ra has definately become a beloved member of the family. EXCEPT(!) for the part where he smokes kitty crack and goes completely berserk before bed, and then wakes me up in the middle of the night by running across my face or attacking my feet, or knocking things over loudly. I’ve resisted the temptation of the Bendryl blowdart (so far), and opted to grab him by the harness, toss him out of the bedroom and close the door. I don’t like doing that, because I miss him sleeping by my head on the pillow, which is what he did until about a week ago. We’ll see, he may become a nightime loner on a regular basis if this mayhem continues. He’s a tiny, heavily caffinated ninja in a fur coat. He’s a little circus midget on LSD. He’s completely insane. Also, adorable. I do remind him daily, to no avail, that he has enough meat on him to feed a starving homeless person, and would likely be tasty with barbeque sauce. But, overall, we really do love the little terror dude.

So, sniffles aside, all is well in the world. How is your world this week?

I nearly titled this post “Happy Friday (V.Eleventy Gazillion)”, until I realized that 1) That’s a lame title and 2) It isn’t Friday yet (right?). It’s my Friday though, kind of… I took a day of vacation so that I can 1) Early vote 2) Get my oil changed 3) get the guest bathtub refinished (praying fervently that the contractors finish in time!) and 4) clean, because my MOM IS VISITING ME! It’s been three years since she has done that, so I am VERY excited. Not only is she going to visit, she’ll be seeing me perform for the first time. We are dancing to raise money for a cat shelter on Saturday, and she’ll be with me to watch the show. I am SO stoked. My mom is possibly the sweetest lady on the planet, I get all warm and fuzzy just thinking about her being here.

What are you cool cats up to this weekend?